What Friends of Alcoholics Need to Know
It’s Not Always Obvious
When I first started dating my now long term partner 5 years ago, I knew he drank a lot. Like, a lot a lot. But I had experienced problematic drinking before — I have done it and had friends do it, and I assumed this was the same thing. It wasn’t.
I thought his drinking was situational, that once he had a stable, caring partner (me!) that it would lessen, that he would have a reason to live, and that he would find the strength to reduce it drastically, if not altogether.
After all, I have been in that position a lot. I had lived through times where alcohol helped me cope with extreme stress or social situations like college or remote jobs. I knew I was drinking a lot more than was probably healthy — and I had been able to come out of it, relatively unscathed and able to quit once my environment or circumstances changed.
This would not be the case for him, I learned to my chagrin.
When it comes to my partner’s friends, I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt and think they just don’t know what alcoholism really looks like. They don’t know how much it is destroying my partner’s family and life. That even though he just seems like a fun-loving partier, he is going to lose his family and likely soon his life to alcohol.
A lot of his friends engage in problematic drinking themselves, but I doubt they are alcoholics in the same way. I know this, because they are able to leave a party without getting wasted. They can stop drinking. Not so for my partner. As long as there is alcohol there, he will keep drinking until he passes out.
Which is why I ask, for the love of God, if you are friends with someone who seems like a problematic drinker, please don’t gift them alcohol. My well-meaning brother bought him a growler of beer as a present — it was gone in an hour.
My partner’s childhood friend bought him a fancy whisky, which he hid and took secret shots of when he thought I wouldn’t notice.
I always cringe when my partner visits our neighbour, who is always ready with a glass of wine, or two, or even three.
The thing with drinking is that it’s a snowball effect — he can stay sober for a while, through sheer willpower, but the moment he has one drink it lessens his resolve and he wants another, and another, and another. As he gets drunker, he starts to drink even faster and accelerates his intoxication. It’s been years since he hasn’t gone to bed drunk.
He jokes about being an alcoholic, but it’s far from being a joke. It’s a life killer. It’s a horrible disease. If your friend had lung cancer, you wouldn’t come over and start breathing smoke onto them, would you? (I mean, maybe you might, but that means you suck and this article isn’t directed at you.)
To his friends: maybe you enjoy coming over and having a little party time. After all, he is fun for a while. It is fun when you don’t have to cope with the consequences of living with a drunk every single day, so why not enjoy the party? And I am left picking up the pieces.
If you have a friend with alcoholism, it’s not your problem, true. They are responsible for their own behaviour. But if you truly care about them, you should know not to add to the fire. It might be fun for a night or two or a couple hours of drinking and shooting the breeze, but you are hammering another nail into their coffin every time you bring them a drink.
You can’t make them stop drinking, but your support of their sobriety could mean much more to them than you could ever realize.
